Horror Archive

UPGRADE – The Psychosis of Symbiosis

Friday, June 1st, 2018

MONKEY KING 3: Hey Hey, It’s the Monkey and He’s Maybe Coming To Your Town

Thursday, February 15th, 2018


Wednesday, November 4th, 2015

The Hobbit 2: Welcome to the House of Smaug – He’ll Pollute Your Senses

Thursday, December 12th, 2013

At its primeval parlay of powerful poetic pros and prophetic prowess, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is such a spine tingling psychotic film that if I saw this movie when I was a kid, I’d have had nightmares for months. The soul creepiness absorbs you, the places our heroes visit carry so much potential vivisection trauma that you can taste the oppressive decay in your mouth.

The integration of the real and computer generated sight gags featured during the handful of the requisite action pieces are so well timed that there are many moments where your buying the reality of the fights, which occur in a world where combative abilities are only limited by the imagination of the creators who dare to step out of bounds in a world that has no bounds.

It’s films like The Hobbit series that make critics come across as lawyers. Here we are looking for precedents and citing “case” studies of previous trilogy franchises to argue one way or another if the current trilogy before the judgmental audiences is guilty or not guilty of being a true cinematic blockbuster masterpiece.

Cases studies: Lord of the Rings…guilty, our enamor grew with each successive chapter and everything culminated with a grandiose memorable ending that satisfied the story arc and the audiences; Harry Potter (yes, I know, not a trilogy)…jury still out, by splitting the final “chapter” into two films, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1, on celluloid was as boring as it was Hollywood trying to milk the poor cow dry before putting it out to pasture…however, Part 2, saved the day, the cow and the franchise’s reputation where our movie thirst was quenched; and The Matrix…not guilty, the finale was so out of context and off that it also drove the Wachowski Brother directors off in a similar direction of disenchantment.

Currently The Hobbit is guilty, as Desolation of Smaug is definitely a more fast-paced and gripping outing than its predecessor, which means that if The Hobbit: There and Back Again delivers as most of us expect or hope it does, the franchise will be met with Lord of the Rings content compared to The Matrix contempt.

But this also makes Desolation of Smaug a little bit frustrating because the filmmakers obviously chose to leave us with a cliffhanger of cliffhangers, defying, teasing and taunting us…and now we must wait a whole year. You may say, “Hey, I’ll read the book.” That’s not going to work. “The Hobbit” is a short book written for children, and a great deal of the trilogy is being based upon H.R. Tolkein’s notes on the book. So like a voracious mosquito, we’re going to have to suck it up for now. In the meantime, enjoy the Smaug Monster, which is not even slightly associated with the Smog Monster that polluted Godzilla and Tokyo in 1972.

For a 161-minute film, it doesn’t feel padded like director Peter Jackson’s previously utlra-padded, remove the first 40 minutes of his 187-minute version of King Kong (2005).

Perhaps part of the enigmatic appeal of Desolation of Smaug is the new locations: a creepy, filthy desiccating village built on the water; the Elfland of Middle-earth; the dwarf arachnophobia-filled forest home to an army of giant hoarse-voiced spiders that plan to create a world wide web of their own; and the House of Smaug, with its Scrooge McDuck-like hoards of treasure and gold, and a dragon of dragons, voiced by the seemingly ubiquitous Benedict Cumberpatch.

Furthermore, the 3-D special effects are glorious, often times in your face, and that is a good thing. Part of the 3-D spectacle is to make sure that you don’t forget where you are rather than make you feel it’s in 2-D with a couple of shots that make you feel dizzy.

The story picks up after the last film with our dwarf heroes , led by Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman) and Thorin Oakenshield (Richard Armitage), ambulating around Middle-earth under the guidance of Gandalf (Ian McKellen). They’re out to reclaim the Lonely Mountain and the lost dwarf Kingdom of Erebor in the process they’re going to need an ambulance.

This is going to sound crazy but here I go. Now Gandalf splinters away from the dwarves to carve out his own niche of fighting evil and to locate the headquarter, if you will, of the disfigured Orcs, who are just an “a” away from being Orcas. Here’s the humorous sidekick…the voices of the main killer Orc characters have a Welsh twang…i.e. Wales. I can’t help but to think that Jackson is having himself a wee laugh with killer Orcs…killer Orcas…killer Wales…killer whales.

Moving right along. Throughout most the films we trek along with Bilbo and 11 dwarves on a hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to battle we go…whistling…journey. Along the way, stops include: the spider forest home of Mirkwood; the BA city of wood elves (BA means bad ass, and bow and arrow) to tangle with Legolas (Orlando Bloom) and sexy femme fatale elf Tauriel (Evangeline Lilly); a Niagara Falls barrel of fun fight with killer Orcas (hehehe); the water-locked village of Lake-town; and then of course the showdown with the Smaugifire.

Hopefully Tolkien purists wont be mortified with Tauriel’s appearance as she was a character created by Jackson and company. Her vulcanized look, which makes her hotter, arouse…I mean arose, due to it becoming increasingly popular to feature fighting female characters that can not only hold their own but add a touch of warmth and softness to a film that is bludgeoning with cold and anger.

A final comment on Smaug. Now that’s a dragon.


PARANORMAN…NORMAN…No, he’s not Psycho

Thursday, August 16th, 2012